DISCLAIMER: I put this up a while back, but for some reason or the other. It got deleted. I found this old gem again while going through some of my stuff, so I decided - might as well re-post it.
As someone really close to me so aptly put it today during our game of Signal, everyone in our class is going through a ‘young life crisis’. I’ve heard about 5 different people just casually mention how shit their life is, and how they feel like dying. I get it, I’m going through it too. Everyone’s sad, everyone’s miserable, and everyone somehow agrees that everything sucks right now.
You know, maybe a month ago I’d be pretty upset, and try to do something to change this. Try to make people happier, or try to improve everything around me, but not anymore. Now, I kind of find it interesting how different everyone is, and how different their insight on life is – yet each and every person I know in my class is going through the exact same hell specifically catered for their life. It’s pretty cool. And at this point, everyone’s trying to cope with it in different ways and their coping mechanisms are pretty cool too. I kind of think I look like a psycho writing this right now, but trust me, I’m not, or at least not a murdering suicidal psycho. So… don’t worry.
There’s one thing that I don’t understand though. Everyone’s going through their own shit, but how is it that everything sucks for everyone at the same time? How is it that there isn’t a single person who’s actually living their best life in our class right now? It wasn’t like this ever before, so what happened to us now? I think that’s what troubles me the most. That we’ve all changed so much, and how everything’s so difficult. It kind of reminds me of that line in Grey’s Anatomy where Derek tells Meredith that “you were like coming up for fresh air. It’s like I was drowning and you saved me.”
The only difference is that I’m drowning, but there’s no one who’s there to save me. And I don’t think I’m the only one who feels that way. For me, personally, it’s the fact that everything around me is changing so fast, and I feel like I can’t keep up. I want to stay in the past, and savor those memories, but move on with life too. I haven’t found myself completely and I know I need more time, but I need more time with the people I used to know, and they’re not the same anymore, and all of that kind of fucks with my head. I know I can survive, I’m a fighter, but everyone’s moving too fast, and I feel like I’m that one person who isn’t moving.
I guess the biggest issue is that everyone is going through their own crisis. I know what my problem is deep down, but I also know that people won’t understand where I’m coming from, and even if they do, they wouldn’t be able to tell me what I want to hear, or rather, what I should hear. They’d tell me something from their own past experiences – something they would want to hear. So, I don’t talk about my crisis, I don’t give a reason why. I just say everything sucks, and mumble ‘fuck me’ under my breath to get through.
And now that I think about it, no one’s going to say the shit they’re going through. No one’s going to lay themselves bare for the benefit of others, no, they’re going to try and cope with it in their own ways, and be sad, and depressed, until somehow, magically, the pain and sadness slowly just goes away.
But I think we’re healing. Slowly. But we are. No more forcing stuff. Now, whatever happens, it’s going to be authentic and real. I guess we all just need some time to figure out life and where it takes us. Some people get hurt by love, some by family, some by friends, and some by things that they don’t even understand. But we’re strong, and we will get through this. It sucks, life sucks, people suck, and love sucks, but you know what, maybe it won’t suck so bad tomorrow. Maybe, eventually, things are all going to sort themselves out. Maybe god has a bigger plan for us, maybe he doesn’t. I don’t know.
Now, more than ever before, I’ve truly understood the meaning of living in the moment. It sounds kind of stupid, but I’ve never been able to savor a single moment in the present. I either dwell on the past, or think about the future. But now that everything basically sucks, the past doesn’t seem so inviting, and the future seems uncertain. Now, I try to focus on the good in life, and try to get through each day.
I’m happy, but life sucks too. Everything sucks.
(maybe that’s not so bad after all)